i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful...
a no-shit guide to help remind you that you are fucking valid.
i’ve cycled through more than a few daily mantras in the last weird af decade of my life. the most recent being something to the effect of: “i am safe. i am valid. i am capable. i am worthy of kindness & respect. i matter”. primitive, yes, but necessary, and poignant enough that my ridiculously rational brain will not try to pull it apart to shreds.
yeah, yeah i know. using affirmations sounds rill pathetic to some shit mcfuck who doesn’t think i’ve experienced anything worthy of feeling that powerless, or who thinks that people who experience any kind of sadness/trauma, etc are just whiners who feel sorry for themselves or want attention. blah blah blah. but i’ve come to understand that even the douchiest douche bags spouting these trite sentiments are the most likely to have experienced a hefty dose of trauma themselves and might need to hear this as well. so for those willing to hear, and those not, belay on.
i will start off by saying that you are fucking valid. what you’ve experienced is valid, and it’s ok if you feel fucked up beyond redemption. i’ve absolutely crash landed this little “life” experiment on more than one occasion…and quite loudly…and in front of far too many observers. in fact, my faceplants have become quite a source of entertainment for some! (hope you’ve enjoyed the shit show). but i kept fucking picking my gaddamn face off the ground, kept pulling my beat, bruised and tired ass out of fucking bed, and putting on what was left of that big, bright smile people used to know me for.
while i haven’t experienced a shred of the gnarliness that some people have, i can say whole-heartedly that i’ve been scared shitless. i found my way through some of the nightmare, though, and that’s why i’m writing this little progress report. i just think it’s super fucking important that anyone who’s seen the dark have the bravery to go back into the abyss just long enough to hold a teensy candle for someone who may still be stuck in there.
oh, and i say candle, cuz i know the alternative and it’s almost as traumatizing as the abyss itself. i’ve kinda been surrounded by what many would classify as “toxic positivity” - that kind of “well there are lots of really great things happening to other people in the world” and “you’re just looking at the negative” and “well if only you wouldn’t have done _______, then ____________ wouldn’t have happened”, etc, etc, etc…
that’s fucking bullshit. it’s artificial light, and that’s an even more painful to see than the dark! HERE’S WHAT THAT SCENARIO FEELS LIKE:
sELF-rIGHTEOUS “HELPER” PERSON: uhh, ok, well i’m going to totally ignore the fact that you’re basically blind cuz you’ve been hiding in this dark ass cave for so long, and to “help”, i’m going to bust out every fucking halogen in the civilized world, blow up that cave and all your little idiotic self-consoling trinkets with it, send in a SWAT team to drag out your freezing, naked ass, lay you on an operating table surrounded by enough cameras to film every awkward angle of your pathetic being, and scream “get over yourself and feel better” into a fucking megaphone, live on camera, so i can shell shock the shit out of you til you’re not such a whiny bitch anymore. and when that one single attempt with that one single approach doesn’t work, i’m going to proclaim you a self-sabotaging loser and ignore you until you start whistlin’ dixie out your arse.
tRAUMATIZED HUMAN forced to be SUBJECT TO THAT RIDICULOUS ATTEMPT AT “HELP”: well thanks, now i know without a shadow of a doubt that you think I’m weak and a loser, and you let the entire world know too. so on top of PTSD and depression and severe anxiety and whatever the fuck else that chick diagnosed me with, i get to have shame, self loathing and UTTER humiliation. solid.
now you understand what i mean, so this is my attempt to light a little candle and reach into the void! listen up!
STEP 1: accept where you are, and know it’s ok
just chill your over-active brain for a fecking second and accept yourself, what you’ve been through, and where the fuck you are. it’s ok. it’s all ok! you don’t need to be anywhere but where you are with shit, and trying to force yourself to be “better” or whatever, is useless at this point.
seriously. hear me out: i can tell you with all the certainty in my being, you cannot bomb yourself out of it when you’re in the shit. (and no, you can’t bomb someone else out of it either). when you’re in the nightmare, you just can’t “see the light” cuz you’re not in a place to believe it’s there. and IF YOU TRY to, you’re just gonna get even darker cuz now you feel like you tried and failed. you just can’t go that route, it’s not going to work. you need to give yourself some time to fucking grieve and process and be pathetic and scared, and to cry and freak out.
and beeeee gentle please! you’re only human, for the sake of fuck. be easy on yourself.
So, you gotta know where you are is ok, and you gotta trust that you yourself will get yourself out of it. you will fucking come out of it if you give yourself the patience and space to do it….and one more time for the people in the back:
YOU WILL FUCKING COME OUT OF IT IF YOU GIVE YOURSELF THE PATIENCE AND SPACE TO DO IT!
you will. you just have to know it. if that’s the ONLY GODDAMN THING YOU KNOW, KNOW IT! if that is the only shred of solace you can give yourself every day, keep reminding yourself of it. i fucking promise you, one day, and it could be months or years (in my case), you WILL know it, and you will feel a little better. you will feel less helpless. you might even start to feel angry. and that’s a good thing! aND THAT LEADS ME TO…
sTEP 2: uNDERSTANDING (AND FORGIVING) YOUR RAGE
tHERE’S A WEIRD THING GOING ON IN SOCIETY WHERE WE ARE SO ANTI-ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF TRAUMA, THAT WE REFUSE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT ANY OF THE SYMPTOMS ARE, AND BECAUSE OF THAT, VICTIMS (OR PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN SUBJECT TO TRAUMA) ARE NOT ALLOWED ANY FEELINGS IN REACTION TO SAID TRAUMA. this, IN TURN, MAKES THEM CLAUSTROPHOBIC AND ANGRY. tHEN, WE punish them for their claustrophobia and start them down a spiral of self-hate, utter fear of humanity, and never-ending self-pity. it’s human nature to feel all sorts of things after experiencing trauma (like, this is pretty commonly studied and documented - if you don’t believe in it, look up the stages of grieving and stop being such an antipathetic dick).
now, back to the positive side of anger. anger is active. anger is productive forward movement of emotions. anger means that, instead of feeling helpless, you feel wronged and you are willing, on some level, to fight for yourself. and that is a fuck-ton more productive feeling than “i can’t” or “i don’t matter enough” or “nobody cares”.
just don’t stop at anger.
i mean, you’ll be there for a bit, but it’s part of the healing process and an absolutely necessary stage - in fact, it’s what keeps a lot people from going to a place you can’t return from. so don’t be disappointed in yourself for being angry! cuz there’s more after anger. you’ll actually start to accept shit and work through it (hopefully without totally hating on yourself). and eventually, if you allow yourself to process and accept yourself, you’ll feel like there’s fucking hope and that you’re deserving of nice things.
and if yo'u’re having a hard time with the acceptance, go back to step 1. rinse. repeat.
STEP 3: just embrace the suck
i don’t know what you experienced, or how far into the healing process you’ve managed to get, but i do know that it is only…and i fucking mean, O N L Y you who can get yourself through it.
in the beginning that is the fucking suckest thing to hear. i know it, and i’m sorry if you’ve heard it before and it infuriates you to hear it again (hey, remember? anger: goooood). Maybe it even makes you feel like fucking giving up but just hear me out - you made it through the thing, right? no really, you did. it suuuuuuuuucks! but you are still here! you actually somehow made it through the thing you were determined, beyond a shadow of a doubt, was for sure going to kill you!
it was horrible! it probably still IS horrible! every day, you relive every moment, every word, every horrible image to the point that you are a complete dysfunctional mess - jumping every damn time the floor creaks, glancing over your shoulder when you KNOW you’re alone, having a full on panic attack whenever the phone rings (i still have momentary paralysis when my phone rings! i had to put it on vibrate mode for years cuz it kept giving me anxiety!), you are too paranoid to even sleep. And when you finally do go to sleep (after trying to distract yourself with stupid tv shows for so long that your eyes feel like they’re gonna bulge out of your fucking skull), you have fucking NIGHTMARES of every single moment, every word, every horrible image…so it’s like you never get a millisecond of goddamn reprieve!
i. know. it. sucks.
But it’s a part of the process! embrace the suck cuz you made it through the thing and suck is just the next step in healing.
just don’t stay in the suck!
STEP 4: take comfort
now that you’ve accepted yourself and all your “patheticness”, made friends with the anger, and embraced the suck, you can let the fact that you made it out be a thing that comforts you. let it be a thing that matters to you. it should matter, a lot! it means that you can make shit better for yourself going forward because you already did make something hugely better! create a new routine with you as priority. be sure to include the following into your daily itinerary, as they will help immensely: affirmations (yes, even the lame ones), setting boundaries, seriously taking time for yourself. just remember, bon bons and loooooooooooooooooong naps are ok but please get out of bed and eat a carrot or something periodically,
and i know you’re fucking tired and you wanna give the fuck up, and you need help with so many things cuz SO MANY THINGS seem to be crumbling all around you, but that’s totally ok too. that’s your body’s way of telling you to take a chill pill. yes, things are falling apart, but that’s because you weren’t looking after yourself. time to change that.
sit yo ass down, handle what you can - even if it’s one stupid email and it takes all your energy. it is ooooooo kkkkkkkkkkk. i am giving you permission to suck a little right now, and not be the most attentive girlfriend or the smiliest employee, and not eat the healthiest food. it is a moment of suck. the longer you fight it and tell yourself you’re a loser and try to please everyone around you by “being all better”, the more you’re just prolonging a major fucking breakdown…or risking becoming a horror to someone else because you’re suppressing your shit.
you deserve to get better. everyone crashes to the ground at some point, and everyone gets to pick themselves up. literally, you get to be your own hero. if you’re beating yourself up for having to start over, re-read step 1.
now repeat after me: “who cares?!”
no, really. WHO THE FUCK CARES?!
nobody. no one cares as much about your “failure” as you. search your feelings, Luke, you know that shit to be true. and if you think someone cares that much about it, i say again:
WHO THE FUCK CARES?!
HAHA! really! who cares if some kook is wasting all their energy focusing their magnifying glass at you?! dude, let em have it! if one truly has nothing better to do than nitpick your life, usually it’s a projection of something about themselves they aren’t addressing.
and anyway...who the fuck cares?!
ok, we on the same page with that yet?! now it’s time for the last step:
STEP 5: “Take Fukitol”
yes. it’s time to fuck that shit. just fuck it. you are a bodaciously beautiful badass and the world is so fucking excited for you to realize it cuz we’ve been waiting to see what we can all create together. seriously, you have a fucking purpose, you are talented and awesome in a way that is so specifically you and i would say this to my worst enemy (…wait, i literally did say that…to all of them!) so you know i’m not bullshitting you! free yourself!
wait, here, I’ll help:
i, RhiVolver, of sound mind and body, hereby dub thee free of the bullshit, young apprentice. go be free and merry and do a little jig in the fucking streets about it!
just be easy and let yourself be ok with it. the minute you stop punishing yourself, you’ll feel this shit start to lighten up so much that you’ll never want to go back down that rabbit hole. you’re worth so much more. plus, you’ll be able to let everyone else off the hook too and GADDAMN that shit feels good. ughh let it go, let them go and get on with your life cuz it’s been waiting and it’s totally stoked on you!!
know you are loved, know you are worthy, and know you are important. please. oh and if you need some affirmations til you find your own, you can borrow mine!
i am safe. i am valid. i am capable. i am worthy of kindness & respect. i matter
with much love and the deepest respect,
RhiVolver
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** as a side note, shit gets dark and i fucking get it. i have been in the throes of terror and am now armed with a list of local resources available to help with anything from homelessness to domestic violence to cancer support to family law, and many more horrendous realities - please reach out if you are seeking help:
email: info@rockoffentertainment.com or theblonde13@gmail.com
subject: trauma resources
and remember, rockoff! is a safe space and we understand that sometimes acceptance and involvement are all it takes to lift you from total despair. we are currently welcoming creators and volunteers for every aspect of this entity so never feel afraid to reach out about joining our community!